Mystery of Mystery Inc
by Pyrate
Summary: The Scooby Gang crosses paths with three strange characters...and the real world.


Quick Introduction to the three strange characters:  
The Group: Set in the year 2009, three friends have powers or abilities that separate them from other men...and they don't really use them all that much. Jim and Brandon were the original team members and they've recently been joined by Jason who runs a local bar called The Holy Grail.  
  
Currently Jim and Brandon reside in a large domed complex, which was acquired by shooting the villain who used to own it. Jason lives in the loft above his bar.  
  
Jim-He's the tech guy of this so-called superhero team. He creates the weapons for the group and acts as the voice of reason. He's currently married with a son (5) and a daughter (Not yet born).  
  
Brandon-He's the muscle headed fighter with a love for guns. He used to be a "swinger", but due to a recent trip through time he's lost his sex appeal without any actual physical change. Don't ask, you just need to understand women used to adore him now they simply tolerate him. He's currently struggling to get his sex appeal back.  
  
Jason-He's the sword master and the other half of this group's intelligence. He's currently studying to be a mage and has collected three of the Volumes from the Mage Encyclopedia.  
  
Note: If you have any questions about these characters, let me know so I can answer and then post the new info for others.  
  
  
"Ok I think we're ready to cast the familiar spell."  
Jason and Jim looked out at the area they had cleared behind the bar. The wind whipped across the freshly cut grass and sent lightning bugs spinning through the air.  
"Do you have any idea what it's going to be?" Jim asked as he shoved a handful of animal crackers in his mouth.  
"No clue. It's based on a random generation table. That's what makes it so hard though."  
"Roooar! Roooa--CruNcH"  
He flipped open the Mage Spell Book, "If I don't care for the creature I summoned not only do I have to wait until the next harvest moon to summon another, but I'd also have to banish the creature back into the abyss."  
"Oook! Oook! EEEEK! ChOMP"  
Jason sighed, "I don't know if I could handle doing that so I hope I get something I can easily connect with."  
"Kangaroo Sound! Kangaro--BuRp"  
Jason began reading the script in a deep voice as clouds swirled around in the sky. Suddenly a bolt of lightning leapt out from the moon itself and crashed into the ground four feet in front of Jason. After the bright glow had faded a creature stepped forward.  
"Meesa Jar Jar Binks. Meesa gonna be yo familiar!"  
Later Jim looked over at Jason as they lay on the ground, "I don't know about you, but the sound of his screams as you cast him back into the abyss will haunt me for weeks."  
Jason stood up and dusted himself off, "I'm over it already."  
  
Two weeks later.  
Jim strolled into the living room and flopped down on the couch. After a moment of silence he looked over at Jason sitting in the recliner. "Hey Jason?"  
"Yeah Jim?"  
"Did you try that familiar spell again?"  
Jason looked at his watch, "Nope. The next harvest moon's not for a couple of weeks."  
"Oh."  
"Why do you ask?"  
"There's a talking dog in the house."  
  
Jason leaned around the corner and looked into the kitchen. A scraggly looking man wearing brown khakis and a green T-shirt was raiding the fridge of anything edible, and then placing it between two slices of French bread. His Great Dane looked on with interest.  
Slowly Jason slid along the wall and out the door. "They don't seem too dangerous. I think we can calmly reach some sort of understanding with them."  
Jim thought for a moment, "Yeaaah. OR...or we could field-test one of my HurtBots(r) on them."  
"You...built..." Jason shrugged, "Okay."  
  
After evading the robot for a few minutes using well-placed carts and tapestries, which confused and angered the robot, the two characters are finally captured. They struggle against the sides of the chandelier as Jim and Jason walk up to them.  
"How the hell did you guys get in my house?"  
"Like I don't know. One minute me and Scoobs were walking along and then we fell down this hidden trapdoor."  
"According to the surveillance video you were walking on the roof and fell down the chimney."  
The dog looked up at Shaggy, "Rat's rhut rall rhu root rus."  
"That's just messed up right there."  
"Tell me about it. I didn't even know we HAD a chimney."  
  
A brightly painted van lumbered down a heavily forested road. The rusty orange lettering clashed heavily with the teal green paint job. Inside three figures huddled together in the front seat. Their outfits suggested a 70's revival was in progress. The driver was a blonde-haired preppy clad in clothes most people would only wear on picture day to make their mom happy. An orange neckerchief completed the macho image as he hunched over the steering wheel peering down the road.  
The woman sitting next to him had fiery red-hair and a bubbly personality. The type of bubbles that oxidize your brain. Her clothing choice helped to prove this with the eggplant color scheme set atop pink leggings.  
Next to bubbles was a brunette with oversized glasses. Her mere presence accented the redhead's naivety. Her garments were simple and consisted of a dark brown skirt and a bulky pumpkin colored sweater. She stared out the passenger side window at the passing forest, "Jinkies! This fog sprang up out of nowhere."  
The redhead opened her mouth, "It sure is dark out Velma."  
Velma stared at her, blinking for a few minutes. "That's because it's night, Daphne."  
The preppy behind the wheel squinted into the inky blackness. "Gee guys, it doesn't look like we'll make it to that haunted mansion we heard rumors about. This fog is just too dense."  
"Dense? Oh no! Fred I think we left Shaggy and Scooby at the gas station!"  
The van drove on silently for a few minutes.  
"Um...Fred. Aren't we going to go back and get them?"  
  
The van pulled up in front of a large decaying mansion. Three men sat on the front lawn staring out across the lake. Fred looked over at Daphne, "I'm going to go chat with the locals. You girls wait here."  
Daphne grabbed his arm, "Don't go Fred. I'm scared. That one with the black hair is looking at us."  
Velma rolled her eyes, "Of course they're looking at us. We just pulled up to their house."  
Fred climbed down out of the van and walked up to the men, "Hi we got a little lost traveling through the woods."  
"What the hell are you talking about?"  
"Hey now mister watch your language around the ladies. As I was saying we got lost in the forest back there and saw your mansion-"  
Jim stared at him and then shook his head, "And as I was saying, there aren't any forests around here. And what mansion? This is a tri-domal living environment."  
Fred turned around and looked at the open fields and the sprawling suburban development and then turned back to the domed building. "Huh. Well anyway-"  
Suddenly Shaggy came out carrying a plate of sandwiches followed closely behind by Scooby.  
Fred's eyes went wide, "What the! I thought we left you at the gas station twenty miles back."  
"Alright what is wrong with you Richie Rich! The gas station is only a block away." Jim jabbed a finger down the road.  
Fred turned around again and stared at the old man by the gas tank waving and smiling a toothless grin.  
"Huh. Anyway we've come to investigate the Swamp Monster rumored to be in this mansion...uh tri-domal complex."  
"I thought you said you were lost."  
  
Brandon stared at the group of new people outside with Jason. "I just don't get you Jim. Two of them break into your house and a couple hours later you're good friends. The other three act like they're in their own little world and yet twenty minutes later you're acting totally calm. For god's sake one of the guys wears a neckerchief! You just know he's crazy!"  
Jim nodded, "I'll agree with you there, but, I don't know, I guess they've just peaked my curiosity. I just can't seem to stop watching them."  
Brandon grinned, "Especially that red-head. Rowr! Course the brunette's not too bad either. BOTH OF THEM TOGETHER! YEAH!"  
Jim rolled his eyes as from outside Fred shouted, "Come on gang let's go down to the lake and look for clues."  
Brandon shook his head and stared at Jim, "Neckerchief boy's at it again."  
Scooby Doo padded into the house and laid down next to the couch, "Rell re arout rit! Rake re rhen rits rover."  
Jim looked over at Brandon, "Did you understand any of that?"  
"Not a word."  
  
Fred pointed at a decayed old cabin on the shore of the lake. "See in the window. It's the ghost of the lake-side cabin."  
Jim turned to look at the cabin. Sure enough in the window was a hideous figure. "That's strange." He looked at Jason, "I didn't even know we had a cabin."  
Fred laughed, "See. See. I told you there was a ghost in the area. Who's crazy now? Hee hee hee."  
"I still think it's the guy in the neckerchief."  
"Well this neckerchief means I'm the leader of this group. Ok gang, first let's search the-"  
"Brandon."  
"Right." Brandon dragged out a large rocket launcher. The rocket cruised across the empty field and smashed through the front window of the cabin. A huge explosion erupted sending debris flying. The hideous figure ran screaming from the wreckage, his clothing in flames. He dropped to the ground and rolled around trying to extinguish the burning cloth.  
A few seconds later the flames were out and he lay still on the ground panting for breath. Jason walked up to him and pulled the melted mask off. "It's Smitty the gas station attendant."  
Jim smiled, "Mystery solved who wants a Taco."  
  
The two groups stood on the dock and stared out across the lake at the burning debris from the ex-cabin. Fred sighed and kicked some loose pebbles into the water, resisting the urge to inspect them as clues. The mystery was over, but he felt unfulfilled.  
"Hey Fred, how'd you five meet?"  
Fred tensed up, "Uh...we went to high school together."  
"That's cool. What made you decide to travel around solving these mysteries?"  
Beads of sweat slid down Fred's neck, "Well, ya see. We originally...that is...when we were at the pro..."  
Jim stared at Fred, "Are you alright?"  
Fred started to back up, "Yeah I'm fine I just-."  
Velma lurched forward as Fred bumped into her. Her glasses clattered across the dock landing two feet in front of her. "My glasses!" She dropped to her knees and began feeling the area in the exact opposite direction as she was facing. "They have to be around here somewhere!" The legally blind brunette crawled several feet down the dock  
"Don't worry Velma," Jim stooped to pick up the horn-rimmed glasses, "I got them...Velma. I said I got them."  
Velma continued to crawl across the dock bumping into Daphne. Daphne lost her footing and scrambled to grab onto something to balance herself. Unfortunately the now blinded Velma was the closest thing and so they both went tumbling into the lake sending up pillars of water.  
Brandon shook his head. "It's a shame neither of the girls is wearing a white shirt. Then we could see their-"  
"I'll save you girls!" Fred ran across the dock and tripped on a loose board, which sent him flying into the lake. A few seconds later he managed to drag himself to the surface. His white shirt clung to his body and the water made it completely transparent. Brandon gagged and ran into the house to vomit at the sight. Jim and Jason reached down to pull the soaking wet individuals from the water.  
  
Jim tossed them each a towel and gestured towards the bathhouse. "Wash up in there and when you're done we can find you some clothes."  
Velma shook her head, "No need, we've got an entire change of wardrobe in the van."  
Suddenly an explosion echoed through the area. They all ran out to the front to find their van a flaming pile of scrap. The group stared for a few minutes and Fred screamed. "I don't understand this. We've never had this many problems on our other cases before."  
Jim looked at him, "Really? This kind of thing happens to us all the time. It gets kind of predictable. Like, for instance, any second now we'll find out what caused the explosion in a mild hilarious manner."  
They looked in the direction of the van as a figure stepped out of the flames, "Like, I'm sorry guys. I was trying to light some incense to mask the...um brownies I had made when Fred's polyester pants burst into flames."  
Jim nodded, "See what'd I tell you?"  
Fred stared at him, "What's so funny about that? My polyester pants man!" He turned and ran into the house crying.  
Jason tapped Jim on the shoulder, "These people are acting funny. I mean did you see how Fred acted when you asked those questions?"  
"I'm kind of used to people acting funny, but it does seem like he's hiding something. I'm gonna go see what I can dig up on Mystery Inc."  
  
Steam rose up from the bathhouse as Daphne and Velma sat in the hot tub. The bubbles swirled in the water around the two sculpted female bodies. Sweat traveled gingerly down their necks and met at the waterline just above their breasts. Velma sighed and looked over at the grinning red-head as she blew some bubbles off her hand, "Daphne, are you sure Brandon asked you to conserve water by bathing with me?"  
She looked over as the bubble floated down, "Yeah Velma, he seemed really excited about consecration."  
"Uh-huh."  
Daphne looked up suddenly, "Oh I almost forgot! He also said that Mr. Kovar built this bathhouse because he enjoys Japanese things."  
Velma paused, "Ooookayy. I wonder why he mentioned that?"  
Daphne continued talking as she grabbed the rubber duck that Brandon had given her, "And that we had to follow Japanese tradition when in the bathhouse."  
"Did he happen to give us any examples of these traditions?" Velma sighed.  
Daphne nodded, "Yes he did. He said that in Japanese, people scrub each other's backs. You want me to scrub your back Velma?"  
"No that's alright." Velma rolled her eyes, "Well at least he's got his story straight."  
"It was sure nice of him to give us this tray of oysters." Daphne sucked another oyster down and licked her lips, "It must have been really expensive." Velma leaned back and closed her eyes as the steam swirled as it met the cool air. Daphne reached for another oyster.  
Velma smiled, "But do you know what was really nice?"  
"What's that Velma?"  
"When Jim told us to lock the door."  
The bathhouse doorknob rattled violently and from the other side Brandon whimpered something about "just changing towels" and "didn't mean to barge in".  
Daphne grinned at her rubber duck then turned to Velma, "Hey I feel all warm and funny."  
  
"So Jim what did you find out about our Mystery Guests?" Jason leaned back in his chair as Jim typed a string into the computer.  
Jim sighed, "Well to make a long story short, they're a group of high school dropouts."  
Jason sat thinking for a few seconds, "Can I get the long story instead? The short one sucks."  
Jim clicked open a file, "I did some digging and according to the federal department records they're all from a town called Riverton, New Jersey." He scrolled down the file and opened up one of the attachments, "Freddy Jones, Daphne Blake, Velma Dinkley, and Shaggy Rogers.  
"They all attended Seaver High school, well except Shaggy who never actually enrolled. He just showed up every now and then. According to the yearbook they disappeared the night of their High school prom. Daphne was even the one to come up with a name for it." Jim pulled up a jpeg showing a banner that read "Super Terrific Dance". He shook his head, "Not many people had fun at STD."  
Jason scanned down the file, "They disappeared at prom?"  
"Yep, after that the only match for them I found was a few newspaper headlines from their cases." Jim swiveled in his chair, "So it looks like the only ones who know what happened on Prom night are those meddling kids and their dog."  
  
"I'd like to welcome you all to the Globalside Mall. Home to over one hundred thirty stores, forty-two food venues, and only two bathrooms. There used to be more, but they renovated them into Mr. Freezes.  
"We're going to divide into groups now and get you people a new wardrobe. Then in about a couple hours, let's say four o'clock we'll meet at the House of Style to see what we can do about your hair. But first let's see who's with who."  
Jason raised his hand, "I'll handle Shaggy over here."  
Jim nodded, "Alright, I'll show Velma around so you take Daphne as well."  
"Sounds good, but what about Fred?"  
Jim and Jason looked at the blonde as he stood affixed at a rack of women's scarves.  
"Alright guys I parked the van so let's herd the girls over to the lingerie department and..." Brandon looked around the empty water fountain area, his eyes refusing to rest on the man sitting on the wooden bench.  
Fred smiled, "I'll go to the lingerie department with you.  
  
Jason frantically ran down the escalator dragging Daphne. "How could you lose Shaggy!? I thought I explained the Buddy system to you two."  
Daphne appeared to be on the verge of tears, "I'm sorry. I wanted to look at the pretty dresses."  
He groaned, "It's not your fault, I should've gotten one of those phone cord leashes." He scanned up and down the directory. "You know Shaggy better than me. Where would he go? What does he like?"  
She smiled, "He likes to eat."  
Jason stared at her then sniffed the air. Slowly he followed the smell of food to the closest food court where Shaggy sat surrounded by a pile of hot dog wrappers. Jason's eyes went wide, "Oh dear god. He ATE mall food!"  
Shaggy's eyes crossed and his cheeks puffed out.  
  
Jim sighed as off in the distance he heard Jason's screams. He and Velma turned back to the mall directory's clothing section. "So Velma, any stores sound interesting to you?"  
"I don't know James. There's just so many of them I WHOOPS!" Velma's glasses seemed to leap off her face and fall to the floor. "My glasses! I can't see anything without my glasses."  
He sighed again as Velma crawled into the men's bathroom. "Maybe we should get you some new glasses first."  
  
The water fountain appeared to have roughly $23.54 in change strewn across its bottom. In the skylight there were four birds. Three appeared to be sparrows and the fourth was a blue jay. On average, two people walked by every forty point one seconds. All of these things Brandon noticed.  
But he still managed to avoid noticing the blonde man waving his hands in the air.  
  
Shaggy popped another antacid pill in his mouth and tugged at the phone cord leash. Jason was frantically trying to free Daphne as she had managed to get her leash wrapped around her neck.  
  
The doctor clicked on a small light and looked into Velma's eyes, "Are you near sighted or far sighted Velma?"  
"What sighted?"  
"She can't see things far away doctor." Jim paused, "Come to think of it you can't see your glasses right in front of you either."  
The optometrist sighed, "Velma cover your left eye and read whatever line is easies on the chart."  
Velma placed a hand over her eye and squinted at the chart. "R...um...Smiley face...that looks like a duck...Exclamation point...I'm guessing an eight and...a big dot."  
Jim and the doctor turned around to look at the chart. "Which line are you reading?"  
"The top one." Velma said pointing at the chart.  
"Velma, there's only one letter up there and it's an E."  
  
"What about this one?"  
Jason groaned as Daphne picked out another dress from the racks. Shaggy's wardrobe had been found in the first ten minutes at Old Navy and a quick trench coat purchase at Leathers Etc. Daphne's selections had lasted the last hour and twenty-eight minutes.  
  
Brandon sighed as he sat in the over stuffed leather chair. Every five minutes Fred would exit the dressing room and do a catwalk. Then Brandon would say, "That's fine. Get that. Let's go." However, Fred would stare in the full-length mirror and shake his head before heading back into the dressing room.  
  
"Here Velma try these on." Jim handed the squinting woman a pair of small circular frames.  
"I can't see what I look like."  
He handed her her old pair of glasses, "Here you look at he frames and see which ones you like and I'll go talk with the doctor." Then he walked over to the doctor who sat staring at the papers in front of him. He looked up as Jim approached, "She's the only person I've ever met to have perfect 1/1 vision."  
"Every pair of glasses she tries on fall off within a couple of seconds. I would suggest contact lenses, but they'd probably pop out and be five times as hard to find."  
The doctor shook his head, "With her vision, the contacts would have to be almost an inch thick. It looks like the only option we have is laser corrective surgery."  
"Doesn't that cost a lot of money and take weeks to take affects."  
He laughed, "This is the year 2009. Now a days it costs less than a new pair of glasses and takes ten minutes." He turned and looked back at Velma as she knocked over one of the displays.  
"Your glasses!" she shouted as she fell to her knees and patted every spot of ground where there weren't a dozen pairs of glasses.  
  
Fred finally managed to settle on a pair of gray khakis. "Now I need a shirt."  
"Whatever! Just don't get white!" Brandon screamed.  
He screamed again as Fred picked out a pink polo shirt.  
  
Velma blinked back the red dots as the blurry shapes came back into place and focused. "Oh wow! I can see! I can see!" Velma laughed and then her eyes went wide. "Oh my! What am I wearing!?"  
She stared in the full-length mirror as Jim handed the receptionist his credit card. "Jim, we have to get me new clothes right now!"  
Jim replaced his wallet to his pocket and was immediately yanked down the mall.  
  
Jason's heart pounded as they turned the corner, they would soon pass by the Mecca of clothing stores. He silently cursed the promise he had made with Jim about this palace of attire. As proper hosts to these strangers from freaky land, he could not openly suggest becoming patrons to the fine establishment. He prayed that as they walked past it for the third time, she would notice.  
"Ooo this store has pretty lace underwear! Can we go in there, please?"  
Jason sighed as the trumpets resounded in his head, "Alright if you must."  
Shaggy's eyes went wide as they passed through the entrance into Victoria's Secret. Daphne's too as she began gathering up lingerie from every shelf and hanger.  
Jason's eyes went wide as well, but for a completely different sight. "Jim you dragged Velma in here!"  
Jim sighed, "She dragged me."  
"What!" Jason jumped back, "Miss sweater?"  
Jim nodded, "It surprised me too, but I-Shaggy! Don't touch the mannequin!"  
Shaggy stopped mid-feel and sat back down.  
"Anyway, after we got her vision corrected we got most of her wardrobe from places like Hot Topic and Spencers."  
"Daphne was the exact opposite. With her it was Delilah's Boutique and JC Penney.  
"Oh boys!"  
The three men turned as the women exited the dressing room. One liked white lace, the other enjoyed black leather. Shaggy's eyes went wide and he refused to stand up for several minutes. Jason grinned and did a careful inspection from every angle. Jim fell over in his chair landing in a dressing room currently occupied.  
Occupied by Fred.  
Jim scrambled out of the booth and tried to claw out his eyes before Jason managed to stop him.  
They stared as Fred burst out of the booth hiking up a pair of gray khakis. "Um...Hey guys! This store wanted me to solve the mystery of...the rumor about...some ghost...goblin...thing monster."  
The group of five blinked in unison.  
"Yeah, and well it seems to have taken my shirt and um...replaced it with this bra."  
"It also seems to have wedgied you with a pink thong."  
Fred looked down at the pink frills sticking up along the side of his pants complete with price tag. "Uh yeah...well there you go!"  
"Where's Brandon?"  
"I don't know. He seemed really exciting to come in here, but when I started trying on...I mean the ghost showed up...he ran screaming."  
Nothing more was said after that. They just all quietly paid for Daphne and Velma's lingerie (they refused to pay for Fred's even though he swore they were important sexy clues) and then headed off for the House of Style were Brandon sat waiting for them.  
  
The two groups covered every piece of furniture in the den. Shaggy and Velma lay side by side against side of the couch. Brandon sat on the den stairs, while Fred struggled to sit up in the beanbag chair that was attempting to devour him. Daphne lay on one of the two cots they had arranged off to the side. Jason sat in an old recliner against the wall.  
Jim tossed aside a couple of the couch cushions, "Two of you will have to share the sofa bed."  
Shaggy cleared his throat and looked at Velma, "That's alright."  
Fred popped out of the beanbag and landed face first onto the carpeting. He shook himself off, "So what do most people do for fun at this type of party?"  
Jim smiled, "I'm glad you asked that."  
  
"Group Truth or Dare. It's just like regular Truth or Dare, but we divide into teams. Daphne you can control the spinner."  
"Yay!" Daphne slapped the circle down on the floor and gave it a practice spin, "RED!"  
Jason looked down at Daphne then walked over to Jim, "What's the spinner for?"  
"BLUE!"  
"Well for one, to keep the teams even. And two, to keep Daphne preoccupied."  
Jason shrugged, "So the spinner has no use in this game whatsoever."  
"YELLOW!"  
Brandon frowned, "Don't you think she'll catch on when it doesn't affect what we do?"  
Jim pointed over his shoulder, "She hasn't even realized the spinner has numbers instead of colors yet."  
"CHARTREUSE!"  
"Velma, you'll go first. Truth or Dare."  
Velma opened her mouth, then stopped and stared at Brandon grinning. "Truth."  
Brandon stomped his foot and fell off his chair, "FUCK!"  
After a few minutes he regained his composure, "What was your craziest sex dream about?"  
"I once dreamed that I was the mistress of this immense harem filled with well-endowed men willing to wait on their hands and knees to pleasure me using every inch of their bodies..."  
  
Twenty minutes later Brandon's head burst into flames.  
Jim shook his head, "That's the first time I've seen Brandon get that embarrassed."  
Velma smiled coyly and turned her head, "Why didn't you get embarrassed Jim?"  
"I stopped listening after the part about the traffic cones and ice cubes."  
Velma shrugged, "Well continuing on, Jim, truth or dare?"  
"Truth."  
"What's the most dangerous thing you've ever done?"  
"That would probably be the time that Jessica and I had sex in a sauna."  
Everyone turned to stare at Jim sitting on the floor. "You've been in situations where you got your head chopped off...twice and sex in a sauna is more dangerous?"  
"You've gotta understand the hazards. The intense heat dilates your capillaries and depletes your heart, causing hypotension (decreased blood pressure). The loss of sodium through sweating can lead to muscle cramps and heat sickness, and you risk dehydration." Jim paused, "It's also really, really hot. Theses effects are beneficial over short periods of time, but prolonged exposure... And that's just sitting in there!"  
Jason shook his head, "Only you Jim," He turned in the recliner till he faced the couple on the floor, "Shaggy, truth or dare?"  
Shaggy stopped staring at Jim and turned around, "Like I don't know...I'll say dare. No wait truth!"  
"Why haven't you guys changed since 1969?"  
"Like we barely make enough money for gas and food let alone new clothes."  
"I mean you look the same as you did in high school forty years ago."  
Shaggy thought this over for a few minutes, "Oh THAT! I don't know, man."  
Jason sighed.  
Fred slid from the beanbag chair, "Jason, truth or dare?"  
"I don't wanna guess what your dares would be Fred so I'll go with truth too."  
"What's your earliest memory?"  
Jason thought for a moment, "Being dragged naked and crying from someplace warm and safe into a world that was cold and unforgiving."  
Fred's mouth dropped open, "You remember your birth!?"  
"Birth? What? No, that was this morning."  
Jim continued on, "Fred truth or dare?"  
"Well I'm not afraid so I'll say Dare."  
Jim swore under his breath then paused to think, "Alright...I dare you...to tell us what made you guys decide to solve mysteries."  
Fred swallowed his tongue and coughed it back up, "That sounds more like a truth!"  
"Uh...no I said 'I dare you'."  
"Well alright I guess there's no way out of this gang." Fred sighed, "It all started about five years ago. I had been...employed during high school. I had gotten mixed up with the wrong people. My employers were asking me to do things I wasn't comfortable with. The jobs they wanted done..." He paused, "I knew they would never let me go willingly so I planned on skipping town after the prom. Fred laughed, "The prom. The night my life would change forever and I would drag these three along."  
  
Flashback #281-G  
"Hey babe. Wanna see my Mystery Machine?" Shaggy grinned over at Velma, who blushed.  
Fred, who stood grinning like a moron next to the punch table, looked over as a tall scraggly man led a girl in orange out the gym double-doors. Out in the darkness he spotted a man with his arms on either side of a redheaded woman against a wall. The woman did not look too thrilled.  
Cautiously Fred headed out the door. He started to run as he heard, "I said leave me alone."  
"Hey mister. You leave that girl alone."  
Fred weakly pushed the drunk student back, but the man was so intoxicated he fell over anyway. Fred looked on in horror as the man lay passed out on the ground.  
"Oh my god I killed him!"  
Daphne looked over at Fred, "You saved me."  
Fred turned to look at her as if he'd just seen her for the first time, "Witness!" He grabbed her and threw her over his shoulder, then bolted for the school parking lot.  
The woman giggled, "Ooo he's so strong!"  
A large van that seemed to be bouncing caught his eye. He yanked the back door open and tossed Daphne in muttering, "Gotta get away."  
Shaggy craned his neck as a redheaded woman landed by his side. "Whoa. This is a great school."  
Velma looked down at the two figures, confused, as the van suddenly jerked forward sending them flying against the back door.  
  
"Morning came and I pulled into a gas station where I discovered Shaggy and Velma. Daphne was swell and agreed to help me on my get away." Fred looked over at Velma, who lay with her head in Shaggy's lap. "I never learned why you two have been keeping me company."  
Shaggy glared at him, "It's MY van you dillweed."  
Jim raised his hand, "Uh we didn't ask for your stupid life story, we just wanted to know what made you decide to solve mysteries."  
Fred looked confused, "But...I just told you that I killed a guy! I stole a van and kidnapped three people."  
Brandon threw his hands in the air, "Who hasn't!"  
"Look just tell us why you keep solving mysteries?"  
"Well...ok. Uh we needed gas money and we found we were pretty good at solving mysteries."  
"There! Was that so hard? Wait...that's it?"  
Velma looked over at Shaggy, "That story brought back some wild memories. You wanna have a high school reunion?"  
Shaggy grinned, "Zoiks!"  
Jason looked over as Shaggy and Velma started to sneak away, "Hey wait-a-minute. Where'd you guys get Scooby? Don't tell me you had him at the prom while you and Velma were... Oh you did you sickos!"  
Shaggy shook his head, "Like no way, we just picked up Scooby on the side of the road."  
Velma nodded, "Yeah he used to be some magician's familiar, but he escaped or something. He said if we took him along we could have "him or rattery". We agreed to whatever it was, but I still don't know what he says half the time."  
  
The next morning Jim sat with a bowl of animal crackers in milk. Fred sat at the other end of the table trying to solve the riddle on the back of the cereal box. He'd been at it for the past hour. Jason strolled in through the front door and paused next to Fred. After a few minutes he grabbed the box and showed him the answer printed on the bottom of the box.  
The second corridor entrance slid open and Velma and Shaggy strolled in as Fred started on the next box of cereal and it's maze.  
Jim looked around the room slowly and counted the number of heads. Then subtracted the head of lettuce, which threw him off for a second. He seemed to come up short two heads.  
At that moment Brandon walked in, looking very exhausted followed behind by Daphne who appeared deep in thought. Brandon threw himself into a dining room chair and his head thumped heavily onto the table.  
Cautiously Jim poked Brandon's forehead, "What's with you?"  
"I offered to rock Daphne's world last night."  
"Brandon! You took advantage of poor dense Daphne?"  
Daphne carefully placed her breakfast into the toaster. As soon as the cereal hit the wires she was blasted across the room.  
Jim watched the smoke trail dissipate and then turned back to Brandon, "She probably didn't even know what you were offering!"  
Brandon threw his hands in the air, "TELL ME ABOUT IT! I was up all night trying to think of ways to explain it to her! Horizontal Hello, Vertical Limbo, Stirring the pot, Making the honey, Churning the butter, Testing the bedsprings, Revving the engine, Doing the backstroke, Riding the rocket, Squeezing the tube, Hide the sala..." Brandon stopped as he was overtaken by a fit of coughs.  
He finally managed to choke out, "Nothing." Clearing his throat he sighed, "She just stared at me blankly."  
"Did you say anything that wasn't some watered down innuendo?"  
"Of course I did..." Brandon thought for a minute, "Didn't I?"  
Daphne struggled to her feet and lay across the dining room chair next to Brandon. Brandon leaned down and whispered something in her ear to which she immediately slapped him.  
  
"Well we want to thank you so much for your hospitality, but we should be going now. Come on gang!"  
They walked down the driveway to the now cooled pile of slag that was their van. "Oh yeah."  
Daphne cried out, "Oh no! We have no transportation!"  
"No problem! May I present the new improved Mystery Machine." Jim drew a sheet back dramatically revealing a large black van with Mystery Deus Ex Machina written in red airbrush lettering.  
Fred grinned his big dopey grin, "Wow guys, this is great. But what does Deus Ex Machina mean?"  
"Uh...second machine. It's Spanish."  
Shaggy slid the back door open and peered inside, "Like cool. This thing even has seat belts too. Now me and Scoob won't smack into the windshield whenever Fred steps on the breaks."  
Fred gritted his teeth, "Hurray."  
"There's a computer and a refrigerator and...Zoiks! It's even got a television!" Shaggy flipped on the TV, "Boobs!"  
Velma tousled his hair, "You don't need a TV to see those, Shaggy."  
Scooby hopped into the van, "Ret ra room roo roo!"  
Jim cleared his throat, "I transferred most of your stuff to the van last night, but there's still one more box. I'll be right back."  
Fred laughed, "That's alright Jim, I got it." The group climbed into the van after Scooby while Fred ran inside to get the rest of their stuff.  
Suddenly another van came lumbering up the driveway. Jim, Jason and Brandon watched as it stopped and three women wearing Catgirl outfits climbed out. One of them walked up to the three men and smiled, "Hey my name's Josie. We're looking for our roadie. His name's Alan. He wears this groovy neckerchief."  
Fred stepped out of the house carrying a large box, but still managed to jump back as he spotted the woman, "Oh no!"  
"THERE HE IS! MELODY! VALERIE! GET HIM!"  
"NO!" Fred bolted for the Mystery Dos Ex Machina and dove through the driver's side window. The engine roared to life and the sound of squealing tires filled the air.  
"ALAN, YOU'VE GOTTA HELP US PRACTICE OUR ACTS!"  
"WATCH US TRY ON COSTUMES!"  
"DRAW US IN THE NUDE!"  
The three heroes turned and watched as the band jumped back into their van and drove off after them.  
"Yep." Jim nodded at Jason, "He's gay alright."  
20  
  
  
1 


End file.
